Early Struggles with Depression and Anxiety
On the outside, I was seen as a fun-loving, charismatic and bubbly character. But on the inside, I was struggling immensely. I struggled a lot with panic attacks, self-esteem, self-harm and suicidal ideations.
Life seemed to be a never-ending cycle of depressive episodes, therapists and multiple antidepressants. Finally, when I was 20, I found the right medication that worked for me and I was happy. Little did I know this would be the start of a downward spiral.
In December 2022, I went on a ski trip with my friends. I was elated, joyous and having so much fun. But I was only getting two hours of sleep a night and was experiencing existential thoughts.
"Everyone in my life was so concerned about me"
Manic Episode and Hospitalization
When I returned home, I was exhausted but still couldn't sleep properly. Aside from the exhaustion, I was ecstatic. I was bouncing off the walls, talking really fast, felt super important and even thought I was a genius. I thought my depression and anxiety was cured. I felt like myself. I felt joy for the first time in almost a decade, like I was invincible. I thought I was the most knowledgeable individual, that the universe was sending me signs.
In reality, I was experiencing delusions of grandeur, racing thoughts, goal-oriented behaviour and had too much energy. Everyone in my life was so concerned about me and I couldn't fathom why. I believed this was what life was like without the burden of depression.
I soon became out of control. My emotions became a rollercoaster whirlwind of anger and frustration at the people around me. My mum called 999 and I was taken to hospital. I was there for a whole day with a needle in my arm watching the shifts change, anxiously waiting for a psychiatrist to assess me. I still couldn't sleep. I began crying, shouting and acting erratically.
"I started practicing gratitude to everyone in my life"
Diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder
I was then sectioned under section two of the Mental Health Act and detained in a psychiatric ward for two weeks. It was traumatic to say the least. I was terrified each night, alone in a dark room, not even aware of why I was there.
After leaving hospital, I was still very manic. Soon after, I was officially diagnosed with bipolar type 1 and the crisis team visited me at home for a few weeks.
After three months of being manic, I became severely depressed. It was the worst depression I'd ever experienced and at the worst time - whilst in my final year of university studying criminology and psychology. I couldn't sit my exams or complete my dissertation because I was drowning in depression. I lost myself completely.
I then went back on antidepressants (whilst remaining on antipsychotics), and decided to repeat my final year at university. I started practicing gratitude to everyone in my life who showered me with love and care. My recovery journey then started.
"Being grateful for the little things you have, even if it's a home cooked meal, can change your life"
Recovery and Growth
I volunteered abroad in Thailand for a month, came home and graduated from university. I also began volunteering in a school providing psychotherapy to children in need, and for Shout, a mental health crisis text service. I have now started a master's degree studying forensic psychology and mental health, and am eager to utilise my own journey to help others. I can happily say that I am stable, content and at peace.
Engaging in things I am passionate about has helped me battle my bipolar disorder. I love drawing, painting, reading, writing stories and helping others. Learning about bipolar disorder, its triggers and symptoms, also helped me to understand myself better.
What helped me the most though, was practicing gratitude; understanding that everything is temporary and expressing adoration for the special people in my life. Being grateful for the little things you have, even if it's a home cooked meal, can change your life. I also want to say thank you to my loving mum and dad, and to all my friends and family who made my recovery possible. Without them, I wouldn't be here today.
"You are stronger than your ups and downs"
Reflections and Message to Others
I was inspired to share my story with Rethink Mental Illness after reading someone else's bipolar journey. I wanted to share that I am a resilient, capable, compassionate and determined person who is not defined by my mental disorder. I am a multifaceted individual with so much to offer to the world, and so are you.
If anyone is reading this, I encourage you to speak up about your tribulations, to connect with others and to be grateful for your existence. I want you to know that you are stronger than your ups and downs, bigger than your anguish; that you are here for a reason.