2007: First Episode of Psychosis
At 26, life became stressful at work and at home. I felt like everyone else was going through really important things in their lives. In my conscious decision not to offload on them, my life turned into a pressure-cooker. Stress, lack of sleep and dramatic weight loss were seen as causes of my first episode.
Often described as 'losing touch with reality', psychosis is when your whole world and beliefs are challenged. Your new fragile belief system is your new truth. However odd it is, your delusions and hallucinations are as real to you as the life you experienced before. I experienced auditory and visual hallucinations: faces from a magazine grew fangs and snarled at me, my cats became devils, evil voices came out of my boyfriend's phone.
My parents lived far away, but when they heard me delusional on the phone, they drove straight to me in the middle of the night. It's very tough reflecting on how my delusions must have been received by my loved ones. It was so important to have family and friends close by; their unconditional love despite feeling as though they'd 'lost' me at the time.
However odd it is, your delusions and hallucinations are as real to you as the life you experienced before.
Treatment and Recovery
At A&E, I recall the psychiatrist showed me a map of the brain. He said that what I'd experienced had affected some neural pathways, similar to the effects of a stroke.
At this time, I wasn't sectioned but treated at home. I spent days on antipsychotics, lapsing in and out of a relatively 'normal' mind - one minute knowing what was going on, the next thinking everyone was trying to kill me. The consequences of being sectioned were wildy different in 2007 - it could've demolished my career. Being sectioned felt like being tarred with a brush.
I spent 19 months off work recovering. I went into a catatonic depressive state afterwards; so unwell that I had to learn how to speak, write and cook again.
In the unit, I was offered the support of an advocate from Rethink Mental Illness.
2019: Postpartum Psychosis
Having experienced both bipolar and psychosis previously, I was at high risk of developing postpartum psychosis. I had a C-section to try and avoid birth trauma but it still happened. 14 years later, I was treated in a mother and baby unit where I was admitted with my 17 day old son. I was sectioned within the first 24 hours.
My postpartum psychosis was preceeded by hypomania and mania. Hypomania showed itself through pressured speech, heightened excitement, erratic thought patterns; my mania through a thirst for knowledge, not 'needing' to sleep, a sense of looking at the world through rose-tinted glasses and huge delusions of grandeur, which then led into psychosis itself.
Heaven and Hell had a place in all of my episodes, despite having very little presence in my life when I was well. In the unit, I was a lactating Mary and my son, the reincarnation of Jesus. I was a Godly state sent to save others, I floated rather than walked. Paranoia was always present, and the overriding core belief that I was right whilst everyone else was wrong. I became transfixed with my son's safety.
The Role of Advocacy
It was so important for me to have an advocate.
He always listened intently, knew what outcome I wanted and how to get there. He helped me with pacing my words, so I could show my strengths to the clinicians. He believed in me and my capabilities. He was kind, sensitive, funny and crucial to my recovery. I felt powerful with him and listened to. Without him, I think my hospital stay would've been considerably longer.
After my postpartum episode, I was told by a professional, that each time the brain experiences psychosis, it learns how to recover more quickly.
Hope and Moving Forward
My bond with my wonderful son was unaltered from the beginning and is so strong now. Although psychosis has shaped me, it most certainly doesn't define me. In fact, I'm proud of my achievements in spite of the challenges I faced. My head is held high.
Hanging onto hope is all that matters. Hope leads to change. Episodes of psychosis can become a past and distant memory. In fact, if anything, it has probably made you stronger, even though you might not realise it yet.