Growing up in my teens, I knew people who suffered with anxiety, but simply explained it away as something that could be extinguished if only they'd stop worrying. The irony was not lost on me, however, when that same ghost came to haunt me as well.
The symptoms soon revealed themselves – my stomach or chest would become tight out of nowhere; dull at first, then overwhelming. A pain you wouldn't wish on anyone. I promised myself back then to never give in, never give up to such feelings. To fight, push them back and away, but no matter my actions, it'd resist. Such anxiety would make its presence known out of thin air, whether by a pre-determined event or not.
Living with Symptoms
A tight pain ridden chest was one of many symptoms. Any small mistake was exemplified by anxious thinking which soon became uncontrollable. It made me feel like the worst person in the world, as though whoever saw such an error thought of me as useless, of being terrible at my job; that they'd whisper, laugh, conspire in secret with everyone else about it. What was true? What was not? Surely they didn't actually hate me, but what if they did?
The very idea of being different brought on great shame and guilt.
The anxiety would ruin an otherwise great day, turning it into a debilitating nightmare. I would become a nervous wreck, sick with the awful thought of not being enough. It'd make me feel so very ill, irritable, bitter and miserable. I'd wince, sometimes physically, as the overwhelming slideshow of words flashed, looped and whirled.
Regrets and Isolation
My past was brought up too; any mistakes I felt so keenly was as if the actual act was done yesterday. Like a roulette wheel settling on a certain moment, each one different, but mostly the mistakes I'd regretted the most.
No one knew about my struggles, except for a few strangers on the internet who, from their anonymous social media posts, were going through the same thing. I couldn't say it to anyone in person, lest I be negatively labelled and carted off by the nightmarish white coats.
The very idea of being different brought on great shame and guilt. To yearn to be like everyone else, and yet feeling comfortable wearing a mask. My mental health simply recoiled as each crisis emerged.
Searching for Peace
I always sought out peace and at last found some small sense of it this year by spending time in nature, practicing mindfulness and letting my anxiety simply sit there. That in itself may seem counterintuitive, but it's worked for me. I listen to the thoughts, no matter how painful they may be, feel them and understand their commentary is not absolute truth. My struggles have not disappeared completely - some days are great, others the darkest opposite.
I've shared my struggles with others now, people who I see in person, which helps massively. The irony is when you open up, so do they - a conversation that only happens through a risky exploration of our hushed up, encaged feelings.
Shared Struggles and Hope
With the state of the world right now, I think we're all desperate to share. It's okay to be afraid, really. No matter how you must feel right now, hope to find some semblance of peace knowing others struggle as you struggle. Perhaps we can all find it togther.